I was pregnant. Shit…

We had just bought a house- One that was too small for us and not part of our family plans. Shit…

I was a Sales Rep for a small tech company that had no maternity leave and I was too naïve to know what short term disability was let alone have thought ahead enough to have added it a year ago when I apparently needed to have purchased it. Shit…

I traveled 3x a month. Shit…

Husband worked nights. Shit…

We had literally just gotten married. A was a honeymoon baby. Shit…

I was so sick, just starting to find my way at work, and had absolutely no idea how we were going to do this. Shit Shit Shit…

We were 5 weeks married and 5 weeks pregnant. Only my bestie and our parents knew. Then we found out Husband’s Grandmother was dying. The universe shows up. She knew a new baby was coming before she passed.

That trip north for the funeral was filled with pants that didn’t fit, bartenders who tried to keep my vodka sodas 86 the vodka silent (until Husband announced it to a full bar), and a lobster experience that when I think of it still makes me green at the gills (note to self don’t eat lobster next to Uncle Hamburger. And don’t ask what the tamale is…) The universe shows up. On that trip Husband got to relive some family history he had and I connected with my in laws in a completely different way. Tough times were coming and I would need that.

My parents lived in Miami. When I called to tell my parents were were having a baby my mom put the for sale sign out. The universe shows up. She stayed with A when I went to work after two weeks.

We needed more help. Who do you leave your fresh new baby with? How do you go back to traveling, pumping in the bathroom/in the car/outside board rooms, weighing the costs of overnighting breast milk from California versus buying formula. My bestie moved 800 miles away. Who the hell was going to help me through this? The universe showed up. My friend’s nanny was floating around looking for a new full time family. We begged said “please love us” and never looked back!

That job I had where I was underpaid, felt under appreciated and traveled all the time? I wasn’t doing much growing professionally- i wasn’t learning, pushing myself or doing anything to invest in myself. I would pull into the parking lot and give myself a pep talk to coerce myself to just walk in the building. The universe showed up. When C came 13 months after her big brother, I learned that when you think you got this whole parenting thing figured out, you don’t got it. C averaged 4 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. That job that was boring me and not pushing or challenging me became one I could do in my sleep deprived state- even when I forgot the word to that thing I had driven to work in.

When I gave my notice a year after C was born, I struggled with the decision to leave my safety net – do I stay at job I had come to hate but could count on the dollars in my checking account being deposited every two weeks or do I take a risk. I was terrified. I was second guessing myself. I almost backed out multiple times. The thing about me- I’ll always bet on myself. I’ll work 2-3 jobs if I need to support my family. I will find a way. I still almost didn’t do it. The universe shows up. After I gave my notice they walked me out of the building. They ‘let’ me continue to work for two weeks I took my calls, closed some deals but the owner I had worked for and learned from for years- he refused to acknowledge my existence. At the time it was what I needed to know I made the right choice. It took two individual contributors and a manager to replace me.

9 years later with a little more experience I can have a different perspective – I didn’t stand up and advocate for myself. They didn’t know how miserable I was. I had asked for a raise one time, in an immature selfish manner and was indignant that they didn’t just give it to me. That petty comment I made about how it took three headcount’s to replace me – I latched on to that thought. It spurred me on to prove to them how stupid they were to not value me in the way I thought they should. Even typing this I am a bit embarrassed by my younger self. The reality of the situation is that both sides were immature and selfish. We both needed to be pushed off the ledge to grow.

That bet I took on myself? There was a team of people on the other side of that bet that placed an equal wager on me. The universe shows up. You grow the most when you are uncomfortable – a good friend, mentor and confidante taught me that. I learned that lesson kicking and screaming all the way but it’s true.

For that company- it forced a change in direction and they had to grow and adjust – since then that company sold for a sizable chunk of change. For me- I crave that uncomfortable now. At least in my professional life. As a mom I’m going to need these monsters of mine to stay little forever mmmk….

The universe is going to show up. But you can’t sit around waiting for it. You have to go looking for it, appreciate the journey and embrace the chaos.